bdsm advice and sexuality education

Agree to Disagree: Forgiveness is Easy, Walking Away is Hard

Ever felt like you were beating your head against a wall in a romantic or even kink based relationship? Why do you try so hard when all the other person does is shrug everything off? Perhaps it even seems as if they LIKE being yelled at? They often respond to anger more readily than discussion.

New research wants to tell us about “agreeableness” in partners.  If you are agreeable you forgive readily, at least more readily than the non agreeable or unforgiving types. As a person who often responds angrily to transgressions, but always eventually forgives, I find this article both intriguing and frustrating. My habit is, if forgiveness feels good,  do it until it doesn’t feel good or “right” – or until you recognize it just won’t matter. This is all assuming that the you and your partner are discussing said behavioral aspects and feelings around them as you go along. Once it no longer feels good, Stop. I mean it. Stop.

Take some time and regroup.

Where do you feel good inside?

As the man everyone loves, Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” which although pithy and cute, also unfortunately promotes self loathing, (when you can’t), and clouds realities around actual mental illness. In reality, we are all capable of trying over and again at something that’s just not working. Let’s refer to the man everyone loves to hate, Sigmund Freud, who discusses “repetition compulsion”. Actions that are repeated “compulsively” (whether brought on by past events or personality traits), and may or may not prove new results, but with work can be “mastered” (and with a lot of self love and support no doubt).

I think repeated compulsions cause us to return to ourselves and ask ourselves how we can do it differently yes. But repeated “transgressions” on behalf of a romantic partner can also indicate socio-pathic behavior wherein the other person simply does NOT care how you feel and will not consider the implications of their actions, let alone try to modify them. The original transgressions can lead to betrayal which then in turn, erodes trust. Trust is the bedrock of interpersonal and romantic relationships. Who can you, who do you REALLY trust? If you can’t trust your “partner”, you’re probably not well suited. Find someone you can trust and love them, ideally a kink friendly type!

I think that if they did a cross study, they would find that “agreeable” types are also the types who try to stick things out and make them work in relationship. The less agreeable types won’t, which makes them more inclined to do shitty stuff and not think much of it since you always forgive. I’m a firm believer in working things out, forgiving, trying new methods, but the fact is some people simply do no appreciate nor do they value those efforts because they are not agreeable, forgiving types.

Nothing is simple in relationship, but if I can express one thing today: choose happiness – at least more pleasure in yourself for choosing when and how to forgive – or not! And if you and your partner agree lovingly to disagree, have at it, have fun, love! But if either of you feels consistently underappreciated, devalued, mistrustful, and resentful, it may be time to move on.

What does all this have to do with kink?

Put simply, kink is a special realm. Seeking a “normal” (describe that please) relationship is hard enough on its own, add kink proclivities and you have more challenges. Sometimes when we find that special someone who likes bondage like we do and enjoys kink events or other special fetishists, we may attach ourselves to the person more readily. Heaven, I finally found a person who understand me! And while this may have a modicum of truth to it, it can also cloud our vision around what we truly want and need in partnership. Notice how quickly transgressions start in a relationship, no matter how hot and fun it is. I often say I am grateful when a person can honestly show their flaws early on. Of course, if they are waving them as badges of honor rather than trying to find how to better relate to you, you may not be on the same page at all.

Kink is an important aspect to intimacy for some of us, and it requires, in some ways, much more trust and vulnerability. I encourage all of us to enjoy our kinky, freaky, ways, and for us to move into those relationship with eyes wide open around what we really need to keep the loving flow going without compromising our beliefs or core values.

 

In Love and Kink,

 

Eve

 

Resources:

Partner Forgiveness http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/

Finding a Kinky Partner www.eveminax.com/searching-for-love-three-ways-to-find-a-kinky-partner/

Seeking a Loving Kinky Partner www.eveminax.com/fairy-tales-can-true/

Insanity Quote Discussed http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2010/07/26/insanity-albert-einstein-was-wrong/

 

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