BDSM and Kink education blog by Mistress Eve Minax

Kinky Curiosity: Finding A Perfect Provider 

Recently, I’ve received several queries from folks interested in Escorts who provide kinky services. In fact, with the film production of “fifty shades of gray” to be released in February, we will probably see more possibilities to not only discuss kink more openly, but probably also see more Escorts offering BDSM services.

I know some people feel as though it’s already controversial to discuss escorting in the United States, and further, it’s even more controversial to, (gasp), place escorts in the same category as Dominatrices, but I say that any escorts who enjoy and practice kink activities, at the very least, could be considered Kink Providers. Examples of distinctions between these job titles exist all over the world, especially in areas where sex work, if not overtly legal, is at least, more generally accepted. As you can see from this page for example, prostitution is legal in half of the world. Oddly, it claims the US as being “limited legally” which gave me a chuckle since clearly we are barely even there.

In any case, in Australia and France where I lived for awhile, being able to find a good professional was as simple as contacting an appropriate service to assist you in your career choice. I’m not sure how things are these days, but a quick internet search brings up a cute site called Escorts and Babes Out of Oz that offers a wide array of choices all over the continent. In France, I did not find much BDSM and escort combined, but was able to find several directories quite easily. Generally, I got Fetishgirls.com  which seems to have a lot of serious play. Locally to SF my top hit was Slixa, which has other locations and a BDSM “Verification” process for their kink providers, which can assure a bit more authenticity sometimes.

Of course, there are lots of options out there and choosing a professional is not as straight forward as it may seem. Building skills to find an appropriate match is imperative. Here are a few suggestions to finding a well suited kink provider:

Know What you Want: Or even what you don’t want! Starting with three basics that you want and one thing for sure you don’t want is great, but what if even that approach is too daunting? Look at images on websites. What compels you to make contact in the first place? Did you like the look of the lingerie, and if so, do you imagine it on you or the provider? What kind of porn do you watch? What do you imagine when you masturbate? What definitely is a “boner kill” for you? Do you imagine yourself on top, bottom, or both? Finding honesty with your provider so that you can fully engage in what turns you on will build trust and safety so you can have fun. They can tell you politely whether your interests are on par with their own. Trust them!

Ask Questions Not an interrogation, but like any other professional, you are engaging in possibilities of working together. Be sure to ask the important questions around interests, skill level, if equipment is being use, what quality? and what standards of cleanliness and skill level do they have? Working professionals with ethical views will not be insulted by such queries. They will see you as an informed client who cares, and that is someone we all want to work with!

Take Your Time If you are new to all of this, try not to rush out and grab the first person who looks good to you. Think about your reasons for seeking a provider. Is it for the experience?Is it for excitement? Are you seeking long term exploration? Do you seek a surrogate until you are ready to date again? Different providers specialize appropriately. Take the time to get yourself acquainted with the field and with yourself. Of course, taking the time to seek counsel can be quite instrumental these days. Like matchmaking services, Kink Coaches can help you find the perfect professional for hands on play. Once again, a quick search pulled up a full first page from the US, the UK, and Australia right away!

On a final note, remember that sex is not only a form of recreation, it’s the foundation to life, and an excellent tool for self discovery. Whatever your path be at the moment, be good to yourself and those around you. Self care comes in many packages. When you take care of your sexual health, you will be a happier person and a sexier person too.

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Four Common Mistakes Masochists Make

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by Eve Minax

If you were to dig around the web or your local library, you will find a plethora of fictional and nonfictional work discussing the masochist. In fact, the term itself came from the surname of the man who wrote the original classic “Venus in Fur”,  Leopold Von Sacher-Masoch (see below). Of course, like the proverbial chicken and the egg, one is not sure which came first – the sadist or the masochist. In order to give us an accessible definition of sadist and masochist we will simply say that a sadist is a person who derives erotic pleasure and or gratification out inflicting pain on others, ideally masochists. The masochist derives erotic gratification from receiving pain from the sadist. There have been many arguments over the years as to who wields the power in this dynamic, however, my concerns today are not around the power dynamic in as much as around questions of how a masochist can better develop and grow with the sadist.

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safewords and consent in BDSM

Oops, I Forgot My Safeword!

In the realm of BDSM and kink play, safe, sane and consensual rests as the buzz phrase to encourage newcomers to join (we’re safe!), illicit normalcy (we’re not crazy!), and utilize tactics to insure we’re all in this together (we all agreed it was ok … right?).

Let’s look at our phrase a little more closely. Safe: I will never hurt you physically or mentally. Sane: I’m not certifiable, I promise! Consensual: I will only do to you what we have previously agreed upon or what I know you like.

Sounds easy, right? Not so fast … how does one maintain a long term status of being “safe, sane, and consensual”? Well, mostly through referrals based on their humanity and appropriate observance of safe words.  “Safe words” are often used to confirm “consensuality” but they are also often used as tactics in a covert war of passive aggressivity. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE safewords. Safewords used well are great indicators of limits that can tell you in a moment without dropping scene where your bottom is at. And as a top, you can ease off, toy with that limit for a bit, or push it, depending on the bottom and their psychological and physical state.

safewords and consent in BDSM

Awesome, you say, let’s run out and do a gang rape scene with a safe word – careful there. Many people have little emotional land mines of psychic waste that may emerge only in scene. Something may come up for them or for you that you never expected. More often than not, in play, psychic waste can be triggered by the simplest of phrases, (I know a woman who cannot be called “baby” in scene), causing the triggered person to become overwhelmed and often distressed to the point that only years of therapy can help.

Noticing when you are pushing your bottom to the point of their safe word, even if they do not call it requires being present and fully observant of your bottom, because guess what? Due to stoicism, ignorance, (thinking you want them to “take it’), or endorphins flying so high they don’t feel the over extension of their boundaries, they will not always use their safe word and oh yes, someone will probably get hurt.

Does this mean “playing” (what a fun term), is better off when done “safely”… ok honey, I will just pat your ass and call you kitten … No. Playing will always push someone’s boundaries at some point. Talking/negotiating is paramount, whether it’s for 10 mins or an hour, start somewhere and establish a safe word.  Compassion comes in handy for both the top and the bottom to forgive any unintentional misdeeds. You must be able to forgive yourself and forgive the other. And finally, are you committed to continuing the play? Be honest.

But first a word from our sponsor … I have a gazilion years of experience and I still fuck up. Yes, once in a blue moon or every 14 years I fuck up. I recently had a little mishap where I called a player out on a rape fantasy. Too real. He lost his trust in me in the moment and called his safe word. No worries, we resolved the scene and scheduled another time to play.

We are special people (the naked horned beast’s), chosen ones. We know what it’s like to be abused and therefore we abuse no one. My personal favorites are the ones who know the fine line. I like to take and kidnap them through seduction or coersion, it doesn’t matter …

Clothes off, wallet or purse locked tight in a safe or better yet, thrown away … all their own doing … they are mine to do with what I will. I like towering over my helpless “victim” tightly bound in bondage and squirming beneath me, afraid and defiant simultaneously. We know it’s a game and yet it seems so real. They are naked, exposed, and completely vulnerable to my vast array of whims. What will it be today? Shall I beat them with a sjambock until they beg for mercy? Shall I take them over my spanking horse, tightly bound, administer a hot soapy enema and rape their ass repeatedly, or perhaps I will apply electricals to their genitalia and watch them scream and squirm, wanting more and yet absolutely terrified at how far I can go, we can go together.

People are afraid of themselves at the end of the day.

Finally, I say, I can do all three, I can do whatever I want because, 1. We have a safe word or 2. We have no safeword.

My most recent “no safe word” subject and I have been playing for years. In fact, he is featured in some of my most masochistic videos. I have even been asked on numerous occasions how much negotiating was done prior to our play. None, I respond, his only limits are bodily fluids, which make me often taunt him with them anyhow  😉 

Ultimately, the safe word will not matter, because I have been cognizant of their psychic and physical space and I know what I’m doing – and so will you if you pay attention.

Bottom line:  live and learn, live and learn.

Addendum: Look up RACK (or Risk Aware Consensual Kink) or read this wonderful piece on Consent by Flaming June.