Minax

Peg Your Heart Out and Feel it Too!

Walking into the lobby of Catalystcon West 2014, I wondered what my purpose was being there. Sure, I had a panel wherein we would discuss the complications around private vs public in the sex lives of industry people, but surely there was more. Within a half an hour of being in the lobby, I was introduced to the Injoyus, an incredible harnessless pegging device. As a 20 plus year player of strap on, pegging, harness and dildo play, I had never found an “ultimate solution”.
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Minax

Some Thoughts on Dominance and Submission

As a devoted Dominatrix, I think about and practice Dominant/submissive relationships. The conflux of dominance and submission is ambiguous at best: how about control and surrender? Indeed, all relationships involve power exchange, usually implicit or ignored.  D/s relationships represent power exchange with a twist: explicitness. They are intentional in that they acknowledge the intrinsic elements of power dynamics of an established rapport with another.They are service driven. They develop further exploration of said dynamics usually in the form of ritual. Some “D/s” relationships have been “forced” on us through the years, eg…parents, bosses, etc…and some, we actively seek out and/or at some point in our lives wish to analyze and develop. The main reasons I am drawn to D/s as a Dominant is that I am service driven, curious how power dynamics in relationships work, and hold a great desire to see them perform more harmoniously.

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Hoods

How Have Sexual Fetishes Changed Over Time?

I was recently asked this question and here’s the synopsis of my take…happy to have your input!

First of all, it is important to establish what one means by “fetish”. Originally, 17c, a fetish/fetiche was an amulet or charm that bore the wearer some form of luck, or at least warded off evil spirits. At the turn of the 20th c and the advent of psychology, notably Freud, fetish, as sexual fetish, became known as an object required to create sexual gratification, ie, shoe, boot, fur, etc. Around the same time, Sado-Masochism also evolved as a term (based on the writings of the Marquis de Sade and Sacher Von Masoch), defined as sexual gratification through corporal punishment (flogging, spanking, etc) or erotic humiliation, (embarrassment, objectification, degradation). As of late, say the past 15 to 20 years, the term fetish is most often used as a “turn on”. Such as, “I have a spanking fetish”, or “I have a rubber fetish”. The current speaker rarely requires the object or activity to achieve orgasm, but does find it more pleasurable with said piece.
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Mistress Eve

Sexual Knowledge is Sexual Power

Hello Dear and Lovely Erotic Explorers,

Happy International Women’s Day!

As you may know we are living in some pretty surreal times and that personal power is constantly being redistributed. Sometimes we actually feel quite powerless and vulnerable, but the more we learn, the more we self empower. The act of self empowerment can wash over into many areas of our lives to bring us the confidence and strength to thrive!

On that note, I’d like to share a note from my dear friend and colleague, Cléo Dubois: Read more

bdsm advice and sexuality education

Agree to Disagree: Forgiveness is Easy, Walking Away is Hard

Ever felt like you were beating your head against a wall in a romantic or even kink based relationship? Why do you try so hard when all the other person does is shrug everything off? Perhaps it even seems as if they LIKE being yelled at? They often respond to anger more readily than discussion.

New research wants to tell us about “agreeableness” in partners.  If you are agreeable you forgive readily, at least more readily than the non agreeable or unforgiving types. As a person who often responds angrily to transgressions, but always eventually forgives, I find this article both intriguing and frustrating. My habit is, if forgiveness feels good,  do it until it doesn’t feel good or “right” – or until you recognize it just won’t matter. This is all assuming that the you and your partner are discussing said behavioral aspects and feelings around them as you go along. Once it no longer feels good, Stop. I mean it. Stop.
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San Francisco Dominatrix

No Pain, No Gain? Understanding Erotic and Non-Erotic Pain

Today I went to see my Physical Therapist for a Rotator Cuff injury rehab session. After we spent some time getting acquainted and starting the exercises, he asked me “what are your thoughts on pain?” and well, you know me, I just had to respond with, “oh, I have LOTS of thoughts on pain! First I think there’s a strong mind body connection and that pain can teach us lot about how we accept extreme sensation. I think that certain types of extreme sensation, aka pain, [notice how I started schooling the PT on my lingo?], can announce danger but also teach us how to relax around the sensation to accept the circumstance. I personally notice that as a strong self sufficient woman who starting working at the age of 14 and does not have a well resourced family or partner to fall back on, I start to feel urgency and impatience around healing as I psychologically fear I will never be able to work again, make money, or take care of myself. It’s brutal and self defeating, and yet it’s part of the process of “sitting with the pain”. I have so much more to say, oh wait, I’m sorry, is that too much?” He paused for a moment, concentrating on stretching my wrist, and then looked at me and smiled saying, “um, most people just say how they don’t like pain. Clearly you’ve thought about this”.   Read more

bdsm sexuality educator

Fairy Tales Can Come True

This piece was written a couple of years ago, and I have had the fortune to continue this work. So grateful. May it bring you a piece of hope and enlightenment.

 

Fairy Tales Can Come True!

Imagine you have a secret, a secret of a sexual nature….it might not be a “big” secret. Perhaps you share it with a few close friends, maybe you’ve even facebooked or tweeted about it, or simply alluded to it in your posts. Maybe you have only shared it with your partner, who, quite frankly doesn’t want to hear about it any more, if they ever did. Maybe you keep the secret to yourself, but you fantasize about it and any chance you get you look for it, on the web, or live.

What might that secret be?
What might it look like?
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Managing Pyschic Waste in the New Year

Previously published in Spirit of Desire edited by Lee Harrington.

Managing Psychic Waste: Transcendence Through Humiliation

You say I hold the key and perhaps I do.
I hang people for a living.
Listening to their stories of respectability and convention.
I cleanse their darkest psyches and make them feel whole again.
I help them orgasm too.
I struggle to know what I already know
and die a little death every day.

Watch me taking handfuls of red leaf lettuce, carrot scraps, coffee grounds, and other sundry waste I have recently disposed of, and see how gingerly I place them into my submissive’s mouth while gently cajoling, “chew” and “swallow”. The eyes are wide open, bulging a bit, horrified and amazed at the ability to eat my garbage in an erotically charged environment. I feel myself gagging internally without stopping, even hesitating, as I cram in more and more remnants of last night’s dinner, this morning’s breakfast, and perhaps a well placed treat or two. My subject suspended in air, rocking gently back and forth as I thrust my pelvis into the groin, pushing deeper, my hand in throat, my hips between legs. His erection is enormous and I am not even touching him there. Not physically at least. Just as I feel the energy expanding, I begin to vomit on the body that was once a high-powered corporate lawyer. My subject explodes wildly: vomit, cum, sweat shooting through the air, cascading into a cavalcade of erotic ecstasy and primal bliss. For a moment, both of us are transported to the space of being and nothingness, at once together, and then no more. Afterwards, he is glowing, radiant and shiny, all the dark clouds peeled away. I am pleased then, knowing that the feeling will last a while; even if he doesn’t realize it, he feels it. It’s why he came to see me in the first place.
I am a Psychic Waste Manager. That is my calling. It is a spiritual quest that brought me to realizing my path over ten years ago. I simply wanted to “do” what I do well in this world, to have it matter in a way that would make my life meaningful, and to help others along they way. I knew I would teach, but academia stifled my creativity and my libido, (well, except masturbating between the stacks at the library). I never thought I would be known as a Dominatrix, but I knew from the beginning of my BDSM explorations that it was bigger, deeper, and more powerful than any mainstream representation could replicate. The view of the Dominatrix being the care-free catsuit clad vixen about to unleash her sadism on any victims, willing or not, is completely mythological. The complexity, the aching, the rawness of my work astounds me sometimes. The beauty in having the conditioned self stripped away so that the primal sexual self becomes revealed, if only for a moment, is nothing less than a stunning achievement. And it takes energetic exchange with another(s) to reveal the primal force. Stripping away conditioning, social mores, the voices of ancestors is what I do best, yet I am only a catalyst, a conduit for reconditioning, an outlet for repressed energy.
Intention is everything in the arts of healing and magic. You can strip away someone’s ego, but if you do it half assed, without clarity of vision, you could not only ruin a good scene, you could also defragment a soul. Every day in life our souls are battered. Each time we confront our bosses, our kids, our partners, we run the risk of losing bits of our selves, or even worse, forming solid ideas of what the self is, thinking that we can actually explain away our desires and fears with logic and reason. Can you imagine explaining how shooting your wad into the air while eating a woman’s garbage as she vomits on you is transcendent and worthy of discourse? Who would listen to this without judgment that you are a deviant, (and surely you are) or fear that you may sully their little world of comfort and respectability? Better yet, how do you explain what you do when this is what you do, every day of your life, whether it’s with a client, a loved one, or an acquaintance who really needs a sexual psychic cleanse?
I recently had an incident occur that left me reeling with debris, a non erotic experience in humiliation wherein I transcended but only through detachment, not through connection. Therein lies the rub.
Speaking of rubbing, what humiliation does is peels back the layers of civility. If you keep rubbing, you will find the rawness underneath. That rawness is where you find the goodness. Perhaps I am a bit of an excavator also, a trash picker, if you will. I pick out the extraneous matter, the layers of conventionality and civility, and give you back your id.
Clarifying how I’m using my terms will be helpful. Humiliation sits within a spectrum of the psyche beginning with embarrassment leading to humiliation leading to degradation. It can be physical or verbal and often both. It is subjective, contingent, and incredibly powerful, compelling. The act of being embarrassed flushes our face and consequently genitalia. It can be exciting and lead to turn on but is not necessarily humiliation in and of itself. Embarrassment occurs usually when bringing attention to something about the person – which is why objectification is so useful in embarrassment play. For example, if I wish to embarrass someone just enough to start the turn on I might say, “ooh, look how tight your pants are” or if more familiar “I bet you suck great cock”. I’m simply making an observation, perhaps an assertion, but I am not excavating a deeper part of their sense of self or their identity.
Humiliation rips away what is superfluous in some ways, but is also necessary for survival in other ways, (clothes are not necessary in temperate climate, but mandated by social mores). It generally requires tapping into the sense of self, utilizing observation to begin the process perhaps, but also bumping up against a deeper truth: “Oh look at the way you suck my cock. You are a positively perfect cocksucker!”. This example also bumps up against a more. Generally speaking, no one is supposed to be proud or pleased to be a good cocksucker. They’re not even supposed to say the word!
Degradation tramples something that they hold near and dear to their hearts, a core value, or something that the person is particularly proud of, especially if it feels intrinsic to their being. For example intelligence, saying “you are stupid” could challenge self identity in an non-erotic way. Conversely, if the person actually embodies or at least feels as though they carry said traits negatively, (eg. you are fat), then you are perpetuating low self esteem. Degradation tramples on the worthiness of the subject. Saying “You’re the worst cock sucker I’ve ever met” to a person with an incredibly challenging gag reflex potentially supports their notions of lack of worth for not being able to perform oral sex well. Of course, if it’s an amazing porn star with deep throating capabilities, it may be a huge turn on to be critiqued on their cock sucking skills.
It’s not what you do it’s how you do it. I love making bottoms squirm, beg, fearful, and desperate. Scraping away all their gender codifications and turning them into the little sex kittens they crave to be turns me on to now end. The thing about humiliation is that when done well, it always gives back. Imagine now with me a large, hairy masculine construction worker dressed in fishnet stockings, super high patent leather heels, ruffled crotchless panties, butt plug in his ass, 9” dildo in his heavily rouged lips being beaten with a whip and told what an incredible slut he is. I love watching his gestures transform into the sultry slut he knows he is. As I stroke my cock telling him how he’s gonna take it, and all my friends too, I relish the discards of societal contempt and I hold this experience for both of us to reclaim. I can reclaim the fact that of the few options given to me from my fucked up childhood, I still found a way to help and recharge. I can also see him basking in the glory of the dream that he was never allowed: to be the best slut he can. Of course no gender is exempt from this equation. We all have our psychic waste.
I like to say that the sacred and profane are flip sides to the same coin. My point being that they are no less different than they are alike. Its like one person’s trash is another’s treasure. If I slap your face repeatedly with pure contempt or indifference, I am not there with you I am merely performing a function. If however, I slap your face hard and repeatedly while staring directly in your eyes, periodically having you open your mouth for a an opulent pearl of spit from my mouth and telling you all the things I’m going to do to you if you do not swallow, (or if you do, depending on the person), can transform a rather dry pornographic act into a deeper more meaningful exchange.
No matter what, reassurance or acceptance is imperative post scene: it’s the maintenance after. If I have excavated your matter, flung it around, then given it back, regardless of shiny, there will be a mess. Taking the time to cool my subject off, or get them warm, offer water, hot shower, a hug or all of the above keeps the scene clean. Nothing is sterile in this world, just ask a surgeon. Cleaning up after yourself is the best you can do as a Psychic Waste Manager. Having someone dress up like a dog, crawl around on all fours, bark etc, can be an embarrassment to some, humiliation to others, and downright degrading to the rest. That is why it’s imperative to know your subject, listen to them while you are asking questions, preparing the scene, keep those boundaries in mind while playing, and clean up your mess.
Honestly, I think that the clients I work with oftentimes do not even realize what it is that happens to them. I remember when I used to rent the space from a friend of mine. She would sometimes sit outside just before the session was over, waiting for my text to enter. Oftentimes, she would not have to see the text because she would see a person departing from the space, glowing, grinning, walking with much more pep in their step. The experience of having sexual psychic waste excavated, recycled, and given back all shiny and loved makes another person’s trash this person’s treasure.

Eve Minax 2011

Who’s Your Daddy? The Womanizer Review

Who’s Your Daddy? The Womanizer

There’s a hot new vibrator on the streets and rumor has it, she’s a a beauty, so you know I had to get me one. I met her with the help of the wonderful folks at Good Vibrations www.goodvibes.com

We had our first date on a quiet afternoon this month, and have revisited each other a couple times since. She’s even hung out with a couple of my friends so that we could all weigh in on our opinions.

Lightweight, quiet, usb chargeable, comes with a carry case, choice of of colors/patterns,  and she also sports a little bling! What more could you ask? Perhaps a better name. Yes, my chief complaint about the “Womanizer” is the name. Ugh. I mean really, when I could joyfully talk about the wonders of my “Magic Wand” why in feminist new world tarnation would I say “The Womanizer”? Perhaps because she is simply a swelligant device that executes exquisitely, even on an ol’ jaded vibrator snob like me?

Here are some of her features in detail:

Fun selection of colors/designs. I, of course, chose the black leopard.
The secret is in her silicone removable/replaceable sucker/attachment (wish it were black).
Lightweight and easy to use.
Quiet. Other reviewers have noted The Womanizer to be noisy. I suppose when your magic wand www.goodvibes.com/Magic-Wand-Vibrator sounds like a small plane landing on a rocky runway, (did I mention it’s time for a new one?), any vibrator could sound quiet(er), so I think you should know where my comparative analysis comes from.
Sweet zip around carry case – but pink, really? Uh yeah.

Pulling her out of the box, I thought to myself she might be too lightweight for such a heavy hitter as I, but woah ho ho, I was deceived! That cunning little minx had me off in no time! In fact, it was so fast I was almost disappointed. Honestly I was left a little wanting and had to have more, so I used her again and again. She gave me a pretty sweet ride, especially once I got going. Now what about this sucking sensation of which everyone speaks? I get it and I got it, but it was nowhere near a sucking action like a mouth would do. More so the cup wraps around the clit and creates a type of suction. So for me, suction is more accurate than sucking. If The Womanizer had a sucking option to boot, I’d marry her! Another interesting tidbit, I have a clit hood piercing that can feel really awesome during sexual activity or it can get in the way. Guess what happens with The Womanizer? It gets in the way. The good news is that it causes a great tease, so that the straight shooting action gets deferred, which also appeals to my sense of tease and denial.

Speaking of tease and denial, why not use The Womanizer for other things besides the clit? I love it on my nipples, (with or without the piercings) and would definitely try it out on a frenulum. Finally, I also recommend this device for someone who wants to bind their subject and make her cum over and over again.

massager

Anyone out there remember the Wahl 7 in 1?

Check out the latest Wahl Massagers at Amazon

So called for its seven different attachments, it is the preferred vibrator of some of my friends, (of all genders), who require more direct stimulation. The 7 in 1 has super intense direct vibration, particularly with the attachments that are less dispersed (you know the two, the one that looks like a finger and the one that looks like a sucker!). If you are one of these people, The Womanizer will either become your new best friend because it is so much lighter weight and amazingly quieter, (trust me on this one). But will it pack the vibrational wallop you might require? I’d like to find out.

Finally, fully charged, The Womanizer is supposed to last a full 90 minutes. Unfortunately, I did not quite find that to be the case. She mysteriously lost her buzz on both me and my submissive ham on two separate and inexplicable occasions and would not seem to take the charge again. After a weeklong respite, she seems back in the saddle and working just fine. I just lent her out to two of my naughty puss friends for a full check up. I’ll give an update as soon as they give me feedback. All in all, I like the toy with the not so great name and would highly recommend her. Clits up Womanizer!

Womanizer01

See more at: www.goodvibes.com

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kinky and poly book reviews

Five Books for Kink/Poly Beginners

I was just responding to a follow up email from a wonderful couple who started working with me last week and I wanted to give them a few options on reading material for their newfound kink and potential polyamory. It seemed logical to share them with you also!

These five have ranked in my “go to” and return to books that discuss kink and/or polyamory.

~Come Hither

Brame

~Screw The Roses, Send Me the Thorns

Devon and Miller

~The Ethical Slut

Easton and Hardy

~ Consensual Sadomasochism

Henkin and Holiday

~Opening Up

Taormino

Although I LOVE all of them,  I would certainly appreciate having additional options for POC, People with Different Abilities, Senior/Mature sex especially in regards to Kink/BDSM.

What are your thoughts?

In Love and Kink,

Eve

Addendum: many folks have pointed out to me that The Bondassage book, written by me and Jaeleen Bennis is a great beginner tool to take it from sensual to kinky, and that I am remiss in not mentioning it. Call it my Midwest modesty, but it seemed to forward to put it in, apologies!