As a devoted Dominatrix, I think about and practice Dominant/submissive relationships. The conflux of dominance and submission is ambiguous at best: how about control and surrender? Indeed, all relationships involve power exchange, usually implicit or ignored. D/s relationships represent power exchange with a twist: explicitness. They are intentional in that they acknowledge the intrinsic elements of power dynamics of an established rapport with another.They are service driven. They develop further exploration of said dynamics usually in the form of ritual. Some “D/s” relationships have been “forced” on us through the years, eg…parents, bosses, etc…and some, we actively seek out and/or at some point in our lives wish to analyze and develop. The main reasons I am drawn to D/s as a Dominant is that I am service driven, curious how power dynamics in relationships work, and hold a great desire to see them perform more harmoniously.
Ever felt like you were beating your head against a wall in a romantic or even kink based relationship? Why do you try so hard when all the other person does is shrug everything off? Perhaps it even seems as if they LIKE being yelled at? They often respond to anger more readily than discussion.
New research wants to tell us about “agreeableness” in partners. If you are agreeable you forgive readily, at least more readily than the non agreeable or unforgiving types. As a person who often responds angrily to transgressions, but always eventually forgives, I find this article both intriguing and frustrating. My habit is, if forgiveness feels good, do it until it doesn’t feel good or “right” – or until you recognize it just won’t matter. This is all assuming that the you and your partner are discussing said behavioral aspects and feelings around them as you go along. Once it no longer feels good, Stop. I mean it. Stop.
A Modest Complaint
December 23, 2009
Recently, after placing an ad for a service-oriented submissive on Collarme.com (supposedly the enclave for said people), I received a response from a ‘submissive’ who was offended that I should desire a submissive who actually serves. We went back and forth a few times before he abruptly “wished me luck” or basically told me to fuck off. His overall point seemed to be that he was a pet who liked to serve certain people, not all—to which I agreed, (my slave ritz is of that genre, and even my boy madsen is to a degree). However, I had made it clear in my ad that some type of erotic or other pleasure in service suited me well these days. His argumentative style, being offended by my clarity, and then dismissing me abruptly left me wondering what the hell is going on on the West Coast? Honestly, I have been through more people out here in the past 8 months than I have been through in the past 8 years of my life.
Once my life is easier, everyone’s life, including the submissive’s, will be more pleasant.
2009 has been an utterly illuminating year. With regard to people, service, trust, and manners, I have been blindsided on several occasions, including but not limited to being stolen from, having the submissive be offended that I am being directive, not doing the job that they said they would, and not even showing up. In fact, having people simply disappear has been the most prolific problem. I see now that compared to the West Coast (or is it simply San Francisco?), I was incredibly spoiled in Chicago. My stable was stable and eager to please. Although I never tried to take advantage, I certainly had whatever I wanted with almost as little as a snap of my fingers. I felt loved, honored, protected. Yes, there were a few flakes and “tourists” here and there, but being hit with so many in one year has left me reeling. So why move to San Francisco you ask?
Several factors apply, making it easiest for me to say, quality of life: educational work that has expanded in much more creative ways, development of working relationships with some of the finest people in the business, and the general health and happiness that comes from living in a great climate with great food and a health-oriented perspective. I am very excited about some fun, interesting and profoundly moving classes I will be presenting in 2010 (Pediatrician Play, Milking and Ruined Orgasms, Mommy Domme Play, and more). I am also pleased to announce that the Cleo Dubois Academy of SM-Arts will be offering a couples course in 2010 for the first time. Oh, and my sexcipe cookbook is underway, and I may even try out for a Master Chef cooking show (wish me luck on that!). Ah, but what was abundant in Chicago has been sorely lacking here: a trustworthy, giving, loving submissive who is able to receive my attention. I know that one of those is not easily found.
Part of my “illumination” in 2009 was quite simple. Why waste my time on people who are amateurishly disorganized and confused at best and absolutely disingenuous and psycho at worst? In other words, why not find an applicable experienced person to serve me? Hence the Collarme ad. I began my search quite professionally, requesting a curriculum vitae, references, and a completed questionnaire I created. I also perused the site for potentials—like a submissive headhunter. When I found the perfect-sounding profile, I discovered, lo and behold, that it was someone I’ve known for 7 years and who is a bastion of old world submission—or let’s just say someone who really values service and provides it.
Things are starting to look up for 2010. I am beginning to feel fortunate again, and I’m remembering not to take for granted the beauty and power of submission. I know it is not a one step process. It comes with time and involves communication, care, and compassion from both/all parties. Like any relationship, one should not dive into it blindly or try to predict how it’s all going to play out in the first two weeks of working on it. It’s just not that simple or easy. And it makes me wonder to what extent differences between my experiences in the Midwest and here are due to geographic phenomena. My new submissive is originally from the East Coast.
I do not wish to split hairs, but it seems like my definition of submission varies greatly from the Bay Area norm. It would appear that submissives here are either only willing to serve if their kinks are being fully tended to (what I would call more of a barter system) or only when they “feel like it” (I have actually been told this twice already, “I don’t feel submissive today.”). Some have been so intent on perfection that they will argue on what is the best way to “serve.” Beat me, fuck me, and maybe I’ll do your dishes? Beat me and fuck me and maybe I’ll do your dishes if I feel like it? Beat me and fuck me and let me tell you how? Or nothing at all except an expectation that I should drop everything to hang out with a person who has not even served me properly yet? In any case, none of these approaches is about making my life easier, a fundamental component of servitude. Once my life is easier, everyone’s life, including the submissive’s, will be more pleasant.
This is not to say that D/s is not an exchange, it is. The primary proponent is the Dominant, which is why s/he must be respected and treated with honesty and integrity. I am not a “My way or the highway” person, and I have sometimes allowed debate—even when the person is being an ass—in order to hear them out. In the Collarme case, there was no need for debate. I should be permitted not only to state my desire but also to implement my preferences. Why? Because I am also a service-oriented Dominant; therefore, I know. I know that I do not wish to simply take, but I will only give incrementally to whomever fits my bill. I will not settle for less. As 2009 comes to a close, I reflect on these relationships and my contributions to them as well. Perhaps as I live here longer, I will develop more West Coast savvy.
In the end, I am a romantic who believes that D/s relationships can work and am excited about the prospects of my “new found” old friend submissive. Let me try my West Coast speak on you now, if the universe provides when she’s ready, then I shall try to be patient. In the meantime, I will also make myself heard.
Several years ago, I was dining with an acquaintance who was a therapist. Chatting casually with mutual interest, midway through the meal she puts down her fork and looks at me from across the table and asks “do you think if we lived in another world, your work would not exist”? Now, assuming she meant a world of sexual happiness and fulfillment, I looked her square in the eye and responded, “no, but neither would yours”. This is not to say that sex educators and dominatrices are therapists, (although we offer therapeutic work), but that we do NOT live in a society without neurosis, hence relationship problems and general societal malaise. That’s why there are service providers who can assist our relationship needs in every sense of the word.
I’ve always said that people in kinky or BDSM relationships are not really different from “vanilla” or “mainstream” folk in that they still must find ways of communicating to their partners their wants, needs, and desires. In a word, they have to have strong relationship skills. Of course, it could, and has been argued, that people who practice BDSM tend to have healthier relationships, and I would suggest it is because they tend to be more honest and transparent with their partners, which alleviates a lot of guilt, shame, and general bullshit that muddles connection.
Half the battle in finding a partner who you can communicate with easily though may take some leg work. Through eliminating the possibility of guilt or shame around your desires by being with someone who is already on the same page as you, or at the very least open minded and interested in kink, you create more space for parity in relationship. Assuming you are “out” about your proclivities and hope to find a partner, how do you go about doing it?
Here are a few ways you can go about finding a kinky partner in life and love:
Dating Sites. There are now many sites that exist solely to help you find your mate! How to choose? One great site that carries a wealth of information and also has many forums for discussions and meetings around kink is Fetlife . Like Facebook, you set up a profile etc. unlike facebook, you can remain completely private while doing so. Sweet! There are also sites out there specifically geared towards dating where you can choose the type of person, education level, location, kink interests and in most cases, even the physique. Finding a Dominant Woman, for example, you might go here. Or looking for a D/s specific relationship? Try Collarspace. Of course there seems to be something for everyone out there. Look what popped up when I simply googled “Foot Fetish Dating”. Dating is not easy – even in the so called normal world. Let some of these sites do half the work for you!
Munches and Meet Ups. Hey, what about walking away from your computer and meeting people live and in person? On the fetlife.com website listed above you can not only find discussion groups but also find a plethora of groups/munches meetings where people interested in kink/bdsm have a nosh in a public and non threatening environment, (ehem, like a restaurant), and they meet live. I just did a quick search in Omaha Nebraska and found two, better than nothing! And the social site http://www.meetup.com also has many offerings for people of similar interests wanting to meet up. Bigger cities have more options. I just did a quick search on kink in Idabel, OK and nothing came up, but the good news is you can create your own. Afraid of being outed? Try putting in something less obvious like sexuality or sexual education or even alternative relationships. Who knows what might happen!
Consult a professional. In my work, I’ve had many clients come to me discouraged around finding a partner with whom they can be open sexually, and in working with me, they have eventually made their fantasies reality! See http://bondassage.com/fairy-tales-can-come-true-by-eve-minax/ for more on that. Kinky dating does not have to be a struggle. I can help you from the start of the process (online dating to meet ups to partnering and how to discuss and make play happen in relationship) through other intricacies like polyamory, children, etc. I also have a vast array of colleagues I can refer you to. Check out my website http://www.eveminax.com or http://www.mistressminax.com or google in your area for an amazing professional who is willing, able, and skillful at helping you find a kinky partner.
I’d say Good Luck! but you won’t need it if you do the right thing in making it all happen. how about Happy Hunting?
One of the most frequent topics I have with people is HOW to talk about their sexual desires, especially “kinky” ones with their partners. It’s never easy to whisk away the potential shame or embarrassment that can come with outing one’s bents, but it is always a way of getting to know each other better, find out more about your compatibility and what interests you. I didn’t get a chance to mention talking about fantasies here, (tip: while in bed, gently setting the scene verbally while masturbating your partner, or perhaps while discussing a book or a movie are other ways of bringing up your kinks), but I did have a great conversation with Charlotte from The Pleasure Mechanics about the value of clear communication.
I will offer more tips and techniques in a future post, but watch now to hear about why it’s important and how to go about it:
Propensity + Experience = Wisdom
The Power of knowing oneself is to understand the depth of humanity in all its darkness and all its light.
I am a talented and caring “Psychic Waste Manager”. I take all your old matter that has been weighing you down and clean it up for you, recycling it into a bright and shiny newness, allowing you to return to the mundane world with more pep in your step and vim in your vigor!