Minax

Peg Your Heart Out and Feel it Too!

Walking into the lobby of Catalystcon West 2014, I wondered what my purpose was being there. Sure, I had a panel wherein we would discuss the complications around private vs public in the sex lives of industry people, but surely there was more. Within a half an hour of being in the lobby, I was introduced to the Injoyus, an incredible harnessless pegging device. As a 20 plus year player of strap on, pegging, harness and dildo play, I had never found an “ultimate solution”.

Sure, there are many terrific and not so terrific possibilities out there, and they all largely require what is commonly known as a harness. Without going into details about the pros and cons of harness wearing, just imagine this: your tits are perky or you wear a bra, your teeth are straight or you must wear braces…the reality is most female id’ed or non-potruding bodies of any gender don’t have the additional equipment to encourage “hands free” penetration. The harness holds the dildo/phallus/toy in place for comfort and ease. But it digs into your flesh, requires certain body sizes, and oftentimes is simply cumbersome.

Oh yes, there are now several options for “harnessless” strap on and pegging devices, and in my experience, and many others I know, they are simply not up to snuff. They won’t stay in, they flop about, one end is wrong for the receiver of that end, or they’re made of a really crappy material with chemicals.

Bring on the Injoyus! Designed and built by a Physician’s Assistant who took four plus years to painstakingly modify the device, it now stands, as far as I know, as the ONLY two way insertable (harness less strap on), that not only gives the receiver much pleasure, the wearer too can attain incredible orgasmic release and also have the added bonus of feeling what it’s like to actually have another pleasure appendage.

Here’s how it works: the wearer/giver places into their vagina/pussy/hole between the ass and the urethra a round, medical silicone grade insertable piece, that acts as the stay in piece, or “locking device” if you will. I’ll call it the base. It sits against the pelvis, for some of us, like a joey in its mother’s pouch     

So comfy! Then, you can attach one of the insertables, the more dildo shaped piece, for the receiver’s pleasure. In a word, once in place, the wearer/giver can squat, walk, lie, even dance and the Injoyus will not fall out. Honestly, having mutual sexual pleasure with your partner from the inside out is quite like nothing else available to us on earth, only fantasies!

Sure, there are a couple of down sides, the Injoyus base, currently does not “fit” every body. The good news is, they back their products 100%. You can return it if it does not fit! Who ever heard of that?

Also, there are currently, no color options for the base, (and they chose a creamy color), but the attachments come in pink, purple, and black, (see the image).

I enjoyed my time at CatalystCon, and I particularly “Injoyed” the Injoyus, and I have ever since. I love “her” so much I’ve named her Francis. Yep, our relationship is that special, and if you would like to own one go HERE and be sure to put in EVE1 for 10% off.  Here’s to a world where the Injoyus becomes a widely used pleasure device within the expansive world of sex and exploration!

Oh, and for MORE fun, check out MY VIDEO talking about and showing the Injoyus!

Minax

Some Thoughts on Dominance and Submission

As a devoted Dominatrix, I think about and practice Dominant/submissive relationships. The conflux of dominance and submission is ambiguous at best: how about control and surrender? Indeed, all relationships involve power exchange, usually implicit or ignored.  D/s relationships represent power exchange with a twist: explicitness. They are intentional in that they acknowledge the intrinsic elements of power dynamics of an established rapport with another.They are service driven. They develop further exploration of said dynamics usually in the form of ritual. Some “D/s” relationships have been “forced” on us through the years, eg…parents, bosses, etc…and some, we actively seek out and/or at some point in our lives wish to analyze and develop. The main reasons I am drawn to D/s as a Dominant is that I am service driven, curious how power dynamics in relationships work, and hold a great desire to see them perform more harmoniously.

 

A crucial aspect to any relationship, but particularly in D/s is to know yourself; your wants and your needs, and to be able to articulate those wants and needs in a thoughtful manner. It also requires that you understand yourself as a human being in that you err. What I mean by this is to say that only after ample life experience and self-exploration does one get to the point of understanding better one’s self and consequently others. There are many avenues to self-exploration and understanding and not any one of them is the only way. We all have our paths in this life, and ideally when our paths cross we can understand how each of us have gotten there and have the wherewithal to follow through the relationship in a meaningful way. I would also suggest an ability to accept the type of relationship for “what it is” instead of trying to make it something it is not.

 

I, for example was raised very poor in less than optimal familial circumstances. I am also an amateur astrologer, massuese/tantrika, and experience/study psychotherapy and neo-pagan Buddhist practices. Further, I have a master’s degree in French and English Literatures with a Gender studies concentration and have studied and physical theater, body piercing, human sexuality, hypnosis and dialectical behavioral therapy. All of these explorations brought me to where I am right now, but not one of them has given me the only answer for myself and everyone else. What these avenues have taught me is how to understand and accept myself and various ways in order to, ideally, move through the world with more comfort and self acceptance – key elements to self actualization. As far as my current self explorations and ongoing D/s training goes, I have come to terms with the fact that I am a dominant person who enjoys and appreciates rigorous self exploration, consequently I attract submissives who value self exploration, wish to share their expertise in some matters, (no doormats please) , and wish to defer to a more experienced person when needed, (appreciate knowledge).

 

What I have determined since I began practicing serious D/s training is that I am a tenacious, yet flexible dominant. I have very specific ways that I like things done, yet I cannot and will not reprimand irresponsibly. One of the main ingredients to a good submissive for me is flexibility and humor. This is not to say that they should be a flake and a smart-ass, but that they can accommodate my ever-changing schedule and needs with a sense of dignity and charm.

 

Although difficult, if I were to try to break down what makes a healthy D/s relationship work it would look something like this:

 

Commitment:

 

  • This is perhaps the most vital question in order to move through the rest. Never forget why you were drawn to this person in the first place. Are you still growing together? Questioning is healthy. Energy and enthusiasm can wane in a relationship, but desire to participate in the relationship should always be intact – even if it is simply being questioned. It is perfectly healthy to question many facets of the relationship, but if the desire to be in the relationship is gone, then other complications arise. Ask yourself, do you really have commitment?

 

  • Parity: Do you share enough similar interests to satisfy your needs and inspire each other outside of D/s? Are you suited? Ie, I am dominant, you are submissive, you require a dominant, I require a submissive. Do you need more from a relationship? Where and how are you inspired and where and how are you inspirational?

 

Communication:

 

  • An ability of each participant to articulate their wants and needs.
  • An ability of each participant to compromise and negotiate their wants, (needs are less negotiable)
  • A commitment to honest speaking. I highly recommend learning and practicing non violent communication techniques.

 

Compassion:

 

  • Compassion for the other person’s position. Even if you are the dominant it does not mean that the submissive has no right to their feelings and emotions. Having a sense of compassion and empathy will help you grow together.

 

  • Compassion for yourself when you err, and you will. Learning self acceptance while growing is amazing for everyone. Here is a resource on radical self acceptance.

Some other criteria:

 

  • Service. I believe this is reciprocal. The Dominant is in service to the relationship as much as the submissive is in service to the Dominant and hence, relationship.

 

  • Flexibility. Each party has an ability and desire to move for the other. The most obvious understatement to this may be that the submissive will probably defer by and large more often than the Dominant.  I am quite keen on deferring to the expertise of my submissives and I expect no less from them to me.

 

  • Do not seek intimacy outside the relationship if it is lacking within the relationship. Set aside time to talk and play. If communication is not working and play is not happening, agree to not play with others until it is resolved. Talk it out!

 

  • Remind each other of your desire to continue to be together. This can be done through ritual, play, ceremony, and discussion…. mix it up, and keep it real.

 

  • Give each other enough space to work out individual quirks, but not too much that you no longer have any commonalities.

 

  • Breathe….whether you are breathing for yourself or doing breathing exercises together, this will help keep things calm.

 

On a final note Dominance and submission is really about honesty on both sides. To what extent you can be honest with yourself – your beauty, power, and grandeur, with all of its foibles, imperfections and inconsistencies? Honesty is not written in stone. It’s about being able to see your truth; and to relay it in a thoughtful and thorough manner, subsequently being able to listen to your partner. To sum it up in the words of a former student at the Cleo Dubois Academy of S/M Arts “find out what your partner wants (and I would say here, needs), and give it to them.”
Resources:

A Few Good Books for Beginners

Extensive Reading and Resources on BDSM

Finding Kink Partners

BDSM and Healthy Relationships

Originally written in 2004, revised 2o11, 2014, and 2o17

Eve Minax

GrandeDame

No Pain No Gain: Distinguishing Erotic and Non Erotic Pain

Today I went to see my Physical Therapist for a Rotator Cuff injury rehab session. After we spent some time getting acquainted and starting the exercises, he asked me “what are your thoughts on pain?” and well, you know me, I just had to respond with, “oh, I have LOTS of thoughts on pain! First I think there’s a strong mind body connection and that pain can teach us lot about how we accept extreme sensation. I think that certain types of extreme sensation, aka pain, [notice how I started schooling the PT on my lingo?], can announce danger but also teach us how to relax around the sensation to accept the circumstance. I personally notice that as a strong self sufficient woman who starting working at the age of 14 and does not have a well resourced family or partner to fall back on, I start to feel urgency and impatience around healing as I psychologically fear I will never be able to work again, make money, or take care of myself. It’s brutal and self defeating, and yet it’s part of the process of “sitting with the pain”. I have so much more to say, oh wait, I’m sorry, is that too much?” He paused for a moment, concentrating on stretching my wrist, and then looked at me and smiled saying, “um, most people just say how they don’t like pain. Clearly you’ve thought about this”.

To which, of course, I smiled to myself, because really, if I didn’t think about or have knowledge around pain, than surely I’m not doing my work. Let me share with you what I didn’t share with him.

There is a great difference between non-erotic pain and erotic pain.

Let’s be clear, the main difference between erotic pain and non erotic is lack of intention. “Pain” or intentional extreme sensation built up by the top and thrown in at crucial moments during scene to create excitement, build the high, and keep the energy flowing create pleasurable sensations. Non erotic or unintentional/accidental pain, (eg., stubbing your toe or when the Top wraps the whip), are not part of the desired effect and usually create unpleasant sensations, i.e., what we classically call pain. Ouch!

Because erotic pain is a desired extreme sensation built up slowly in the body to help the receiver, (bottom in this case), achieve a state of “high” as their dopamine and endorphin levels are elevating and their desire to receive more and more intensity increases, it also drives arousal levels to the nth degree, making the bottom want, yes, MORE. So, in sum, non erotic pain is not desired but erotic pain is. You may recall my favorite adage: “make them want it, make them want it more.”

Here are five aspects of erotic pain to bear in mind:
Desired/Intentional – refer to this nifty [video interview with me] on the topic of desire.
Consensual – check out this [great link to a Kink Academy] compilation on consent or refer back to [my piece on consent and safe words].
Exciting
Pleasurable
A great place to achieve surrender/climax/release

So, for those of you who ask why people would hurt each other, let’s bear in mind that the eroticization of extreme sensation with an appreciative, or as [Dan Savage] might say, a Good, Giving, and Game partner is entirely different than stubbing your toe.

Finally, a small note on the difference between hurt and harm. We all hurt each other in relationship, usually unintentionally, but we do, it’s part of our growth. No matter how much we love each other, unintentional hurt happens. Hurt may be painful and it is also reparable over time (an accidental wrap of the whip, harsh words in the heat of the moment). Time heals these wounds as does the active practice of apology and rebuilding trust. Harm, on the other hand, has longer term effects and is not reparable (putting out an eye with a single tail, lying with malice and intent, especially repeatedly, eroding trust). Although time may soften the effects, or redirect them, it carries more long term effects. Harm is simply that: harmful due to its lasting effects.

When you go to play, I hope you bear in mind the wonderful boundaries you can cross when pushing up against pain and pleasure and I trust you will do no harm.

In Love and Kink,

Eve