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bdsm and its healing powers

Healing Through BDSM

How does BDSM facilitate personal growth?

bdsm and its healing powersIf you’ve been following my writing over the years, you may have learned that I live with transgenerational trauma which led me to experience BDSM as instrumental to my healing process. Although technically I was kinky from the beginning of my sexual explorations, it was only when I read about a Dominatrix in a New Yorker piece back in 1991, that I had an Ahah! moment. I said to myself, “I could do that. I would be great, and I would love it”. Honestly though, I didn’t realize exactly what I was drawn to around kink and BDSM. Initially I also had internalized shame and confusion around being a deviant, pervert, outsider, (choose your term), and I eventually came to realize what drew me in and kept me coming back: healing through BDSM.

No matter your background or what drives you to explore the vast realms of BDSM, you can still benefit from possibilities. I’d like to share with you a few ways in which BDSM has facilitated the healing process for me.

Transparency Any practice can claim to encourage transparency, or the act of being fully clear and honest in our speech, and actions which leads to deeper trust. Abuse survivors find it, (really), hard to trust. When we know that our partners are fully disclosing any truths that may be harmful to the relationship, we can relax into creating healthy attachment and long term relationships.

Boundaries/Safe words As part of the act of being transparent, agreements/boundaries are drawn and respected. Safe words are used when boundaries, (often unforeseen), arise, allowing for play to shift to a more manageable space, perhaps even stopping to allow for space and compassion. When boundaries are respected, once again, trust can be built, rebuilt, and loving healthy relationships can foster and grow. 

Consent Part of the healing process for all of us, is to radically accept who we are, what turns us on, what brings us pleasure, even if society may deem it abnormal. Part of consent is to validate these desires and give permission to each other to do certain things or act certain ways. If you want me to whip you until you cry and I consent, and then I want you to crawl to me on all fours and beg for it and you consent, we have a mutually consensual agreement that can help empower us to feel more authentic – or in psychological speak, to become more self actualized.

The Practice Much like yoga, or meditation, or whatever healing art you may practice, half of the work is showing up, the other is the journey of the practice. Creating scenes with our partner, and exercising all of the above practices, will help us know ourselves better, which will expose how fallible we can be, and ideally bring us back to compassion and integrity. What’s more healing than that?

Surrender Whether you are a top, bottom, switch, Dominant, or submissive, there will always be a process of letting go, surrendering to the moment, (which is why bondage is so imperative! Watch for a forthcoming piece on that). If I decide to suspend you, but your body is too tense in that moment, I may need to surrender my idea of suspending you just then, and explore alternatives to get you there. And you, as bottom, will need to let go of that suspension in that moment and surrender to my lead. It’s a dance of control and surrender.

Energetically, we all are giving, receiving, and validating. Although BDSM is a fulfilling form of adult play and can be quite simply put, amusing as hell, it can also be extremely liberating and healing in the process. Enjoy your new found freedom!

Are you ready to experience your own pleasure and personal growth through BDSM? Click here for possibilities

Searching For Love: Three Ways to Find a Kinky Partner

Several years ago, I was dining with an acquaintance who was a therapist. Chatting casually with mutual interest, midway through the meal she puts down her fork and looks at me from across the table and asks “do you think if we lived in another world, your work would not exist”? Now, assuming she meant a world of sexual happiness and fulfillment, I looked her square in the eye and responded, “no, but neither would yours”. This is not to say that sex educators and dominatrices are therapists, (although we offer therapeutic work), but that we do NOT live in a society without neurosis, hence relationship problems and general societal malaise. That’s why there are service providers who can assist our relationship needs in every sense of the word.

I’ve always said that people in kinky or  BDSM relationships are not really different from “vanilla” or “mainstream” folk in that they still must find ways of communicating to their partners their wants, needs, and desires. In a word, they have to have strong relationship skills. Of course, it could, and has been argued, that people who practice BDSM tend to have healthier relationships, and I would suggest it is because they tend to be more honest and transparent with their partners, which alleviates a lot of guilt, shame, and general bullshit that muddles connection. 

Half the battle in finding a partner who you can communicate with easily though may take some leg work. Through eliminating the possibility of guilt or shame around your desires by being with someone who is already on the same page as you, or at the very least open minded and interested in kink, you create more space for parity in relationship. Assuming you are “out” about your proclivities and hope to find a partner, how do you go about doing it? 

Here are a few ways you can go about finding a kinky partner in life and love:

Dating Sites. There are now many sites that exist solely to help you find your mate! How to choose? One great site that carries a wealth of information and also has many forums for discussions and meetings around kink is Fetlife . Like Facebook, you set up a profile etc. unlike facebook, you can remain completely private while doing so. Sweet! There are also sites out there specifically geared towards dating where you can choose the type of person, education level, location, kink interests and in most cases, even the physique. Finding a Dominant Woman, for example, you might go here. Or looking for a D/s specific relationship? Try Collarspace. Of course there seems to be something for everyone out there. Look what popped up when I simply googled “Foot Fetish Dating”. Dating is not easy – even in the so called normal world. Let some of these sites do half the work for you!

Munches and Meet Ups. Hey, what about walking away from your computer and meeting people live and in person? On the fetlife.com website listed above you can not only find discussion groups but also find a plethora of groups/munches meetings where people interested in kink/bdsm have a nosh in a public and non threatening environment, (ehem, like a restaurant), and they meet live. I just did a quick search in Omaha Nebraska and found two, better than nothing! And the social site http://www.meetup.com also has many offerings for people of similar interests wanting to meet up. Bigger cities have more options. I just did a quick search on kink in Idabel, OK and nothing came up, but the good news is you can create your own. Afraid of being outed? Try putting in something less obvious like sexuality or sexual education or even alternative relationships. Who knows what might happen! 

Consult a professional. In my work, I’ve had many clients come to me discouraged around finding a partner with whom they can be open sexually, and in working with me, they have eventually made their fantasies reality! See http://bondassage.com/fairy-tales-can-come-true-by-eve-minax/  for more on that. Kinky dating does not have to be a struggle. I can help you from the start of the process (online dating to meet ups to partnering and how to discuss and make play happen in relationship) through other intricacies like polyamory, children, etc. I also have a vast array of colleagues I can refer you to. Check out my website http://www.eveminax.com or http://www.mistressminax.com or google in your area for an amazing professional who is willing, able, and skillful at helping you find a kinky partner. 

I’d say Good Luck! but you won’t need it if you do the right thing in making it all happen. how about Happy Hunting?

xoEve